Lost Purpose
by CeeDee
Summary: Ran and Yohji finally have got together, have they?
1. Default Chapter

Author's note: 

I'm truly sorry about mistakes in grammar and times. English is not my first language, and it has been a long time since I learned it at school, so I'm sure about them. For the spelling, I think Word did a good job. 

If anybody is interested in proof reading/beta this story, I would be very thankful and promise to correct my foolishly made mistakes for the enjoyment of the readers …. 

Simply mail me: CharlizeDoe at hotmail.com

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**Disclaimer**: This fic ignores Glühen. All the people herein are mine, except the ones you knew from Weiß Kreuz. These belong to their creators. No income is made through this story. It's for fun purposes only… 

**Summary**: Ran and Yohji finally have got together, have they?

**Warnings**: Pleas don't read, if you are underage. NC-17, Hentai, Angst 

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**Lost purpose **

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Yohji woke, feeling warm and comfortable, content. He stretched and yawned. The sunlight streaming through the opened window fell softly on his slender form, lying lazy in their bed. He rolled over to cradle his lover in his arms. Only there was no lover. The bed was disturbingly empty. He sighed, rolled back and slowly opened his eyes. He was alone. The alarm on the nightstand said seven forty three . He listened. Their apartment was unusual quiet. No shower was running, no noises from the kitchen. 

Getting up, he slipped in his Yukata and left the bedroom. "Baby?" Nothing. Cautiously he stepped in the kitchen. It was empty. No coffee was prepared, no breakfast; nothing was cooking on the stove. The living room was abandoned also. He turned and went to the bathroom. "Hey, sweetheart, where are you?" The bathroom was unoccupied, too. 

He entered and relieved himself. Then he looked around. Something seemed off. As he approached the sink to wash his hands, he noticed the absent toothbrush. In addition, Ran's razor was missing. He turned slowly, a feeling of dread spreading in his gut. "Ran?" The shampoo was missing, the soap, the Yukata normally hanging there, too. "Ran?" He swallowed and went back to the bedroom. 

First thing he noticed then, the Katana hanging normally on the wall wasn't there. The feeling of dread extended to his whole body. He hesitantly opened the closet. All of Ran's clothes were gone. The drawers empty. "No." He felt his knees become weak, his throat go dry. He heavily sat back on the bed as the obvious hit him with full force. Ran was gone. Anxiety befell him. 

Slowly, legs heavy, he searched the whole apartment. All of Ran's personal things were gone. And he left no note, no sign behind. No good bye. Nothing. Only his key for the apartment sat alone on the kitchen counter. He had left him. Silent tears streamed down is cheeks during his search, he choked, felt, as if his heart would break for the second time in his life. He leaned against the wall in the corridor and slowly slid down to the floor. 

Legs against his chest, arms slung tight around them he sat there, head leaned back against the wall. His shoulders shook and he began weeping in earnest. "Why? God, Ran why?" All strength left him, he felt utterly alone and useless. He _was_ utterly alone and useless. Yesterday night, everything was fine. They had a pleasant evening, had made love and then slept in each other arms. There was no sign of any of this. His head fell forward to rest on his knees. 

He sat there, until there were no tears anymore. Until the light of the day slowly faded and the apartment got dark. And then some time longer. He felt utterly miserable, cold from the inside. 

Finally, he stretched his cramped legs in front of him and slowly got up as human urges drove him to the bathroom. He went about his business and shred his Yukata then got straight back to bed. The pillow smelled like Ran. He cradled it close to him and curled around it. The sheets smelled of Ran. 

Physically and mentally exhausted from crying so long; he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. And woke up crying again and still alone very early in the morning. It was still dark. Resignedly he wiped the tears away and slung a forearm across his eyes. For the second time he had lost a person, he loved more than life himself. First Asuka, now Ran. 

He lay in bed, tossing and turning until the sun got up and it was way past time to get up normally. For half a year, they were happy here. Or, he thought they were happy. He certainly was. He had hoped to spend the rest of his life with Ran. Now his hope was shattered. His life felt like a staged drama. He sighed. Perhaps, it was best to stay here and never get up again. Nobody would miss him. As if on clue, the phone rang. Hastily he jumped up and raced to the kitchen. 

"Ran?" 

"Um, no it's Omi. Hi, Yohji." 

"Oh. … Hallo." 

"I wanted to ask if something is wrong, you both didn't show to your shift yesterday. And today Aya is late for his shift, too." 

"He's gone." He felt new tears prick in his eyes. 

"What do you mean?" 

"He's gone, Omitchi. Took his things and went away." 

"Oh." There was a long pause. "Did you two have a fight?" 

"No. … No fight. He … he simply left." 

"… Oh." 

"Look chibi. I won't come, too for the next days, okay? Please understand. I … I just can't." 

"Okay. Okay." There was a slight pause.  "Do you need something; want to talk about it? Should I come over?" 

"No. No, I'm fine. Not now. I just … I need a little time, please?" 

"Sure, Yohji. You … can move in again, you know?. Your old room is still available. Just … come back to us." 

"… maybe." He slowly placed the receiver back to the phone and sat heavily down on one of the kitchen chairs. Now, that the rush of a possible call from Ran was gone, he laughed sadly. Ran wouldn't call. If he had to say something, he would do so face to face and not cowardly over the phone. But it seems, Ran had nothing to say to him at all. He had left without a word. 

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	2. Ch 2

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"Kudoh Yohji, get up already!" 

Yohji woke with a start, groaned and pulled the sheet over his head. "Leave me alone, Mariko." 

"Nonsense. It is noon already and I have to go to work. I've cooked lunch for you. You can't stay in bed all the week and not eat. Your fridge is empty. You have to go shopping." His friendly middle-aged neighbour stepped into the room and pulled the heavy curtains aside. Bright daylight flooded the room. 

Yohji sighed and shifted to the headboard in a sitting position. "Thank you. You are like a mother hen to me." 

"You can't stay buried herein for the rest of your life. You have to go out. Have a life again. Look at you. You are all skinny and bony. When was it, you have shaved last time?" she stood in the middle of he room, hands on her hips and shook her head. 

"Uhh, don't know. A week?" Yohji grimaced and rubbed at his stubbly chin. 

"Yes. And this was the last time you left here, too. Get up. Get out of this apartment. You need groceries. You look uncared-for. Next week is Christmas." 

"Already?" He heaved wary eyes to her. 

"Yes, already. I won't having you sit here all alone again this year. Kitsumi and his wife are coming over to celebrate and if you don't visit your friends I want you to come, too." 

"Hn." 

"Don't `hn' on me Kudoh Yohji. I have a Christmas wish. Don't go out and buy anything silly for me. Go out and find someone for you. Be happy again." 

"Mariko, I've already have found someone. He's only not with me. I can't simply switch it off." He sighed. "I've tried, believe me. I just can't. I … still love him." 

She stepped beside his bed and affectionate patted him on the head. "I know. But I won't give up on you. Besides, I don't think anybody would come near you voluntary just now. If I've not seen worse at the hospital at work, I would run screaming seeing you just now." 

Yohji grimaced and reached for a cigarette from the nightstand. He lit it and inhaled deeply. "Yeah. Thank you for pestering me. What would I do without you?" 

She laughed and turned to the door. "By the way, your answering machine got twenty two messages. I've got to go now." 

After he heard the front door close, Yohji slumped down again, smoking. Of course she was right. But, he couldn't bring himself to do something. It was now one and a half year ago, Ran had left him without a word. The second lonely Christmas was approaching. And he was still waiting. Waiting for something, for what, he doesn't know himself. For him to return? A reason perhaps? A word from Ran why he left that day. Sneaked out on him. 

Stubbing out his smoke, he got up and went to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he stepped to the sink and looked critical in the mirror. She was right, again. His once shining, curly honey golden shoulder long hair hung now lifeless and dull around his head, grown back a bit since he had chopped it the night his courage had left him to slit his wrists. The once sparkling green eyes stared back at him dreary. His cheeks were sunken and his once golden skin was now grey and ill looking. He grimaced to his unshaved face and trailed his fingertips over his distinct visible collarbone and outstanding rips. 

He really was bony and skinny, from lack of regularly food and too much cigarettes. Only a shadow of his former self he once was so proud of. But he could not bring himself to care anymore. Since Ran left, he didn't go clubbing anymore. He didn't drink anymore. He didn't chase girls anymore. He doesn't do anything, anymore. He felt like dead on the inside since that day. 

He only sat in his apartment and brooded, chain-smoked and stared out of the window. Omi and Ken had given up on him long ago. And, oh,  he feed his cat. Yes, one day shortly after Ran had left him; in the mall, he came by on a pet shop and saw a little Abyssinian cat at display. On a whim, he purchased it and took it home. Since then, it was his only steady companion. And it was the reason to get him going, more or less. 

Besides Mariko, who pestered him and got him going for groceries and some errands, cooked for him mostly and sat with him and tried to talk sense into him. He assumed he was glad that she moved in to the opposite apartment little over a year ago. She was a nurse and had made it to her duty to look after him motherly. He sighed, stepped in the shower and turned the tabs on, stood in the spray and began to wash. 

He had poured his heard out to her someday, and since then she had him adopted. She had insisted on sharing keys to their apartment one day, when she hadn't seen him for a few days, when he was to moody to care to open the door. And she put it shamelessly to use. Not that he minded. She chased him around for his laundry, to clean up the apartment, and she talked to him. Sometimes, she pursued him to go out for a walk in the park. 

After he had finished his shower and towelled up, he shaved and brushed his still wet hair. Towel slung around his hips, he went to the kitchen to look in his fridge. Empty. Besides a lonely can of beer and the dish, Mariko had placed there earlier. He sighed, remembering using the last coffee two days ago. Only one last can of cat food was left, too. Time for shopping, actually. 

The cat was roaming around his legs as the phone rang. Undisturbed by it, he crouched to the floor and gathered the cat in his arms, while the answering machine picked up the call with: `No one is here. You know what to do.' After the beep, he heard Omi's cheery voice. 

"Yohji, its Omi. Please, pick up the phone. … Yohji?" after a while he heard him sighing. "Ken and I want to know if you come over for his birthday at least … Please, come this time, okay?" and a little lower "We miss you." 

Yohji sadly closed his eyes. Perhaps. Perhaps he would go. After a little cuddling with the cat and then feeding it, he dried his hair, dressed and went to the grocery store. 

It was a lovely day. Cold but clear without clouds and the sun was shining. After purchasing his goods, he decided to walk back through the park in front of his building and sit a little while on his usual bench, watching the people, as he did so often. He sat there in the sun, smoking and watched the couples walking by, and the parents with their Childs, playing with sticks and balls, chatting, strolling through the park. 

After finishing his second smoke, he leaned back, spread his arms over the backrest, closed his eyes and let his head fell back. He sat like that, basking in the slightly warming sunshine on his cheeks until something disturbed the sunlight in his face and didn't move away. He slowly opened his eyes. And blinked. And blinked again. 

His heart speed up and thumped rapidly in his chest. He couldn't breathe. His throat suddenly was closed, as if someone would throttle him. An all too familiar pain shot up in his gut. His body all of a sudden felt ice cold. He only sat there, unmoving; the blood roaring in is ears, until he remembered to breathe again, watching the person standing in front of him. This all too familiar figure, the piercing violet eyes. He swallowed, hard. However, the only word he could utter was "Why?" 

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	3. Ch 3

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Ran suppressed the shocked urge to call out, as he spotted Yohji leaving the grocery store across the street; carrying his bags with slumped shoulders, steps heavy and self-conscious, defeated. Not much was left of the proud and graceful figure, the self-confident gait, and the catlike motions. The aura of controlled carelessness Yohji usually at ease wore like a coat was missing, also. 

His heart sank, as he set on trailing him. Yohji looked utterly miserable. With his eyes downcast, he set mechanical one-step before the other. Not seemed he to notice the other people passing him, nor seemed he to care. That was not the behaviour of a trained assassin. Not to notice someone trailing him so obvious like Ran was now. 

And he was stunned, that Yohji seemingly remained to live here after he had left. He frowned. He had expected him to move on or to return to the Koneko II, to Omi and Ken, to carry on with his life. He expected him to have found someone worthy. Maybe he had found someone. However, why then was there this dramatic change in appearance, to the miserable? 

He had left because he was unsure, because he felt, that Yohji left every day a little bit more his cheery behaviour, felt that Yohji seemed begin to think it was a mistake to settle down with him. He left, before Yohji had the chance to cheat on him, to go back to his usual manners of clubbing and chasing woman. 

He left, because he knew, he could not bear the thought of being abandoned by someone he loved deeply. He left, because he thought Yohji was better able to cope when he was the one leaving. Before Yohji realized he was bored, or that it had been a mistake to take up with him. He left, because somewhere deep inside he had doubts about their relationship. Doubts, about Yohji's easy way of loving, which constantly nagged on his mind 

So, one night he had silently packed his things and went away. As long, as the memories were good ones. Moreover, all the time, he had told himself it was better this way. Yohji would cope, he would put this aside like any other affair he had. He would find someone he could truly love and, who was worthy. Like Asuka was. It did not matter, that he himself was hurting. 

Bu now, seeing Yohji like this, his heard shattered. Had he caused this? On the other hand, was there someone else, doing this to Yohji? He had to know. He stopped and hid behind a bush as he noticed Yohji sitting down on a bench and absently watching the people passing by, idly smoking. He sat there, hunched down on the bench in the park across their old apartment; looking utterly dejected. 

Slowly stepping closer, as Yohji leaned back and tilted his head with closed eyes against the afternoon sun, he studied him nearer. His chest felt like restricted with an iron band as he noticed the chopped up strands of former golden waves, the sunken in cheeks, the clearly visible cheekbones, the dark circles under the eyes, and the unhealthy grey colour of his face. He suddenly was scared. Was Yohji ill? Had he some disease? 

Once near him, he was unable to stay away anymore. Ran cautiously stepped nearer and nearer to him. One step. Then another one. God, but he was still gorgeous. He couldn't comprehend anymore how he was able to leave him once. However, now it was too late. Too late for them both to return to what they had. His fingers twitched with the need to touch him, to feel Yohji. All of a sudden, the pain of loss, he had worked on to dull all that time so hard, was back in full force. It was a mistake to come back here. He silently gritted his teeth. He still had the chance to walk away unnoticed. He had no right. Maybe he could ask Omi, what had happened to Yohji. 

However, he could not move away. Instead, he stepped still closer. Like a moth to the flame. Stepped closer, until he stood in front of Yohji, until his shadow blocked the sun. God, how he longed to see one last time the sparkling green of Yohji's eyes again, to hear his silky voice. Like spellbound he watched the eyes open lazily – only, not to reveal the expected sparkling gaze - instead two dull, painful inert eyes looked up to him. 

For a while, they only stared, and then Yohji in a hoarse voice uttered only one word. "Why?" 

Stunned he narrowed his eyes. "Can we go somewhere warmer to talk?" 

"Sure." Yohji gathered his bags and stood. He straightened his back and his former slumped posture was no longer visible. Nevertheless, Ran had seen him earlier. He would not be so easily deceived. Silently they walked side by side to the exit of the park and across the street. Nervousness crept up Ran's back. He was not used to, seeing Yohji so ... quiet. 

"You still live here?" 

"Yes." Yohji fell silent again. 

Ran waited as Yohji set down one of the bags to fish for the key in the pocket of his coat. Then he simply pushed open the door, leaving it wide open as he merely walked away into the kitchen, leaving Ran to himself in the hallway. After a short moment of hesitation, he entered the apartment he left so long ago. On his way to the kitchen he cast a quick look into the living room and spotted several empty spaces, where once his things used to be. 

A cat sprung from the couch and rushed past him to the kitchen. Immediately recognizing the breed, he swallowed and bit his lower lip before he entered the kitchen. Yohji had set a kettle on the stove for tea and two mugs on the counter. Just now, he put his groceries in the fridge, still wearing his coat. 

Ran noticed it was mostly empty. "You still live here alone?" 

After finishing his task, Yohji closed the door of the fridge, straightened and pointed at the cat, which roamed all the time around his legs. "No. Ran, meet Neko." Then he held his hand out to Ran. "Your coat?" 

Shrugging out of it, he handed it to Yohji, who took it, and stepped out in the corridor to hang up the piece of clothing. When he returned a moment later, Ran stifled a gasp. Yohji wore clothes, he clearly remembered. But instead sitting smug on his muscled chest, the shirt hung loosely from his shoulders, and as Yohji turned to prepare the tea, he could clearly see the prominent bones of shoulder blades poking out. The jeans, usually sitting like a second skin pooled loosely on his hips and legs, only held up through a belt. 

Nausea hit him.  "Can I use your bathroom?" Ran had to flee. 

Not turning, Yohji answered. "You know the way." 

After Ran got into the bathroom, he had to lean against the closed door and took a few deep breaths. His eyes burnt and he had to blink several times, to drag back tears. It hurt, to see Yohji like this. And deep inside he knew it was him, who had caused this. Nobody else. God. What had he done? He had to set this right. Had to put the blame onto himself. Had to set Yohji free for once and all. 

He stepped to the sink and splashed water in his face. Looking up, he noticed several empty places on the shelves, too. All the places where his things once used to be. Yohji had not moved on. God, why had he put up with him in the first place? Had he stayed away, Yohji would have been happy now. Why ended he always hurting the ones he loved? He sighed and composed himself. 

As he returned to the kitchen, Yohji sat on a chair at the table and cuddled the cat in his arms. Two streaming mugs stood on the table. Ran sat down on the second chair – the chair he used to sit on once - and grabbed one of the mugs to occupy his hands. "So, what happened?" 

"What happened? You happened. You ripped me from heaven and cast me to hell. And I want to know why. Don't you think I deserve that at least? Or you here to pick up the pieces? 

Ran winced at the bitter words. "No. I … didn't know … I didn't expect you … to remain here. I just … just wanted to take a last look before I go away, definitive." 

"Definitive." Yohji's voice was flat and emotionless. 

"My flight to America goes tomorrow morning." 

"I see." Yohji gnawed on his lower lip. "If I would have moved away, you wouldn't have said good bye at all. I wouldn't have had a chance to speak ever to you again." 

"… Yes." 

"So, answer my question. Why did you leave?" All the time Yohji avoided looking in Ran's eyes. After letting go of the cat, he grabbed his mug and took a sip. "So?" 

Ran took a deep breath. In a way it seemed easier to lie to Yohji without looking in his eyes. "I needed something other. Living here was not … satisfying." He took a sip of his tea. 

"You should have told me." 

"I…" he replaced the mug on the table, and put his hands tightly clenched in his lap, "I was confused, unsure about my feelings. Once they became clear to me, I left." At last, this was true. 

"You never loved me, hm?" 

"I … I care about you, Yohji. You…" 

Yohji interrupted him. "Don't." He shook his head slightly. "I know, now. You never told me that you loved me. It was childish to assume so." He swallowed visible. "It doesn't matter. I think I can go on now. Take the next step. I … just needed to know for sure. To get closure." 

"I never wanted to hurt you. I … thought you would go on easily. Like you did so often before. Find someone you could love … like you loved your Asuka." 

Yohji snorted and replied in a low voice. "I loved you like I loved Asuka. Don't get me wrong. I still love her. But you never were a substitute. Sometimes, you get a second chance. By being with you, it didn't hurt anymore to think of her. Only a sad memory." 

Leaning back he played with his mug. "Just like I still love her, I still love you. Nothing you can do will ever change that. But it's not your fault you can't return my feelings. I lived a wonderful life for a while. It was unique." He smiled sadly. "I only wished, you would have told me when you left me for the second time. You could have spared me all this time." 

"I'm sorry." Ran fought with a prickling behind his eyes. He would not cry. Then a thought occurred to him. "Left you the second time?" 

Yohji grimaced. "I was fallen in love with you already when Weiss disbanded for the first time." He smiled sadly. "But you didn't know. Nobody knew. Hell, I didn't even recognize it myself at this time." 

"… Oh." Ran felt his heart beating in his throat the whole time. God, what a fool he had been. 

They sat there for a while in silence while they sipped their tea, before Yohji cleared his throat and asked "So, you found someone?" 

"Yes… Yes, I found someone." 

"And you love that someone?" 

"Yes. Yes I do." 

Yohji nodded. "Good." A small smile ghosted over his face. "I'm glad. To know you are happy means a lot to me." He heaved his glance and looked Ran for the first time direct in the eyes. "It makes it easier." There was new confidence in his emerald orbs, resoluteness. 

Ran shifted uncomfortable. He had to get out of here. He had to go, before his nerves left him and he told Yohji that he was wrong. That it was him, who he had found, once. That it was him, who he loved, only him. That he wanted to stay. But he had no right after what he had done so foolishly. Not anymore. "I … I have to go." 

"Of course." Yohji stood and stepped to the fridge to take the only can of beer from it. "You know, I have spared this for a special occasion. I think it is now. Yes, definitively now. I get a good bye the third time you leave me." He popped the clasp and heaved the can in a hinted cheer. "Good bye, Ran." He took a gulp, set the can on the counter and left the kitchen. 

Ran sat there, stunned, while he heard the bedroom door slam closed. He slowly got up to fetch his coat, and found himself suddenly at the door to Yohji's bedroom, once their bedroom, and hand on the knob. No. He leaned his forehead against the door and whispered quietly "Good bye, Yohji."

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	4. Ch 4

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Yohji was shaken, utterly and thoroughly. Ran was there again. He wanted to touch him, to embrace him. The longing almost overwhelmed him. He wanted to kiss him and taste him, to feel him. However, somewhere in all this time, this last year, he - on the way to the thing he was now - had lost his courage, his spontaneous abilities, his careless mask - and the strength to pretend. 

So he settled on silence, all the way to the apartment and later, talking only, when prompted. Inwardly his body trembled. He almost dropped a few goods, as he stocked the fridge. Only the cat roaming around his legs, Neko's bodily presence, prevented him from finally falling apart just here and now, anchored him. 

Ran looked good. Healthy, lean but muscled as always. Yohji had to lean against the wall a moment, after he put their coats on the hangers. He was glad, that Ran had to use the bathroom, so he could wipe away the spilled water, due to his traumatized condition, as he prepared with shaking hands their tea. 

He sat down on the kitchen chair and the cat jumped in his lap. Absently he petted and coddled with it. Ran looked fine, at ease. Finally he self would be, too. The limbo he lived in, since that day Ran had left without a word would go away, at last. He could make peace with the world. 

He didn't dare to hope, that Ran had come to stay. Not anymore. Ran would have said so already. But he would get an answer. An answer he waited so long for. Because this unanswered question had hold him back, let him hesitate that day he stood in the bathroom to end his life. 

He had stood there, blade of the razor in his hand and suddenly was overwhelmed with the urge to know why Ran had left, had to be sure it would not be an irrevocable mistake, if there were any hope for Ran to return to him. Instead, in a haze and full of rage because he was unable to archive something, he chopped off his hair as a substitute for bodily harm. 

He knew he was unable to go on. His life, as it was now, was without reason anymore. He was a bloodstained murderer. He had no one, to go back to. No one, to live for. And after Kritiker had let them finally out without the use to do something worthy, he had no function anymore, too. Not alone. He always had needed something to hang on to, some small reason. He needed to be kept, and if it was someone to love, a purpose for going on. 

There was no need of money, for they were always paid well and he, like the others, had enough to last for a few years without need. Therefore, there was nothing he needed to do. He had settled on existing merely. He had realized that loving Ran had been his last chance of a life. Nothing he tried or did the few weeks after he was left alone had satisfied him, had lessened the overwhelming pain, the feeling of loss. He was simply not able to go back to his former life anymore. 

Therefore, he had simply stopped clubbing and drinking, because the pain had been stronger, after he had been sober again. Therefore, he had simply stopped chasing women, because he had no interest in them anymore. After a few attempts to pretend, he was tired of explaining the lack of obvious bodily reaction. He simply didn't get it up anymore with them. The great playboy had creased to exist. He was only an empty shell anymore. He simply got numb. 

He was so deep in thought; he only noticed Ran had returned as he addressed him. The deep rich voice let ripple a shudder over this back. Let his skin crawl and all the small hairs stand up. Although, Ran's presence put him at ease, some. 

After a short and weak display of a temper, he fell back to numbness. All he understands was that Ran was not going to come back, ever. That he had never loved him. That he was going to leave Japan . That there was someone other, he loved. He realized that he had his answer, now. 

He suddenly felt relieved. He knew now, that he was no longer needed. He doesn't have to wait anymore. The numb shell fell from him. He looked up and gazed for a last time in the beautiful violet orbs of the person, he loved more than anything. A last view of the striking face. The lean form of the beloved person. 

No need to pretend anything anymore. He said his final goodbye and went away. Not that it was any less painful. But there was a purpose now. Something to do. He stood there, in the middle of the room, trembling terrible, hot tears streaming down his face, and smiled sadly. Finally. He glanced at his watch after he heard the front door close. Ran was gone, again. At least four hours, for Mariko to return home from work. He had enough time to succeed in what he had to do. 

He sat down on his desk, picked up a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write. After finishing his task, he put the three letters he had written in envelopes and addressed them. He got to his safe and picked a stack of bills, put it in one oft the envelopes, too. Then he grabbed the still full bottle of pills he had stored in his drawer and went out to the kitchen. 

Placing the envelopes on the middle on the table, he grabbed a bowl, emptied all of the sleeping pills in it and crushed them to fine powder. He filled a big glass of water and mixed all of the powder in it, until it was white like milk. In four great gulps and without hesitation, he swallowed all of it down. After a glance at the clock on the wall, he was glad; it took only fifteen minutes, to finish all his tasks. The medicine would not need long to kick in. 

He went out to the hallway and slipped one of the letters under the door of the apartment across his own. After returning to his own apartment, he grabbed one of the sharp knifes from the kitchen and went back to his bedroom. Nothing more required. He switched on the stereo and put in one of his favourite CD's. Listening to the soft music, he lay down on his bed. 

Neko mewed at him from the windowsill. He smiled again. Mariko would take care of him, he was sure of it. After a while, he felt dizzy, sleepy. Time to finish it. He raised the knife and in one swift motion, he slid it across one of his wrists. There was hardly any pain. Spellbound he watched the blood spill in a thick line from the cut, pulsing with his heartbeat and run down his arm, flowing from his elbow down on the white sheets. 

He furrowed his brow. This really would be a mess. He should have put some towels there. He sighed. After cutting his other wrist, he let the knife drop, settled down in the pillows and closed his eyes. It would be over, soon. He felt at peace, now. Utterly sad, but finally at peace. Listening to the music, he slowly drifted away.

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	5. Ch 5

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Ran leisurely walked into the park across the street and sat down on the same bench, Yohji had sat on earlier. It was dark already. He felt as if his heart would break. He had done it again, destroyed his life. But this time for good. And this time, like the last time, he had nobody to blame than himself. Tomorrow morning, he would climb in a plane and travel to America. Leave everyone behind. 

God. Why couldn't he simply grab a given chance and live with his love as long as it lasts? He knows why he had left Yohji the first time. It was not only because he was unsure. No, he left because he was a coward. He inwardly laughed bitterly. Yes, he was a coward. He was afraid, that he would be let down, and break on that. 

But instead to wait and see, grabbing what life presented him with, he simply destroyed every hope himself, afraid, that eventually someone sometime took again away from him what he loved, lived for. He casually watched an elderly woman enter the apartment building, Yohji lived in. Normal people, living normal lives. He envied them. 

He had come here, to say goodbye to a place, he was once happy at. After being so silly, to throw away the good things. He was alone since then. Alone and miserable. However, he was used to being alone and miserable. But, he hadn't expected to meet Yohji here. Shaken to the core by Yohji's declaration of still loving him, he wasn't able to react right, to react at all. He hadn't thought that possible anymore. He had expected being punched or strangled after being discovered by him. After approaching him so bluntly. 

Sitting here, now he realized that it was a mistake what he had once done. That it all was a mistake, still. That he shouldn't have left Yohji now, or at the first place. God, it hurt so much, seeing him again. He was not good at emotional things. He was a fast thinker, could change plans on his feet, but in this, he was a complete and utterly failure. 

He sat back and put his feet on the seat of the bench, legs folded against his chest, arms tight curled around them. He leaned his forehead on his knees. Now he felt there could have been a second chance for them again. If he only could have seen that earlier. However, he never had considered that before this moment. He had set his mind and gone on with it on first sight of Yohji. He had been sure that Yohji would hate him, despise him for leaving so cruelly that day. 

He never had considered that Yohji had loved him truly this deeply, still did. Like he loved Askua, he had said. A feeling of dread crept up his back as he thought of times long gone. As they still were `Weiss'. How devastated Yohji was after the encounter with `Neu'. The nightmares, he got through, the dreams of Asuka. The deep despair, he experienced. Had he brutally caused the same, again? 

Yes, all signs said, he had. The apartment still looked like the day he had left. As if the time had stood still. All this time, Yohji has had not moved on; had stood behind. For what? For him? For him to explain. The first word Yohji had spoken to him had been _'why'_. He recalled their awkward conversation in the kitchen half an hour ago. 

Yohji's statement _'You never loved me, hm?'_ and his statements _'I think I can go on now. Take the next step.'._

Earlier, Ran had thought he meant that he could go on with his life now. _`You could have spared me all this time'. _But now ... Ran's feeling of dread increased as he remembered further. _`I just needed to know for sure. To get closure'_ and _`To know you are happy means a lot to me. Makes it easier.'_  He suddenly had a very bad feeling. _Makes what easier … _

The hairs at the back of his neck suddenly stood up, as he heard the siren of a far away ambulance come nearer. Looked up at Yohji's windows, and noted them to be all bright lighted up. He gasped. No. Please don't let it be. He sprung to his feet and raced across the street, up the stairs. The door to Yohji's apartment was wide open, as was the door across. 

As he hurried inside, he heard a woman call out "Back here, in the bedroom." He stopped dead in his tracks, after he entered. Blood. So much Blood. Yohji lay on the floor, the once white sheets on the bed soaked with lots of blood. The elderly woman Ran had noticed earlier, kneed beside him, applying what seemed CPR. 

Tears shot to his eyes. Sight bleary he rushed to Yohji's side and fell to his knees. He almost didn't notice the woman talking to him "Do you know how to do CPR?" 

Throat tight, all he could do was nod. 

"Good. Take over. I have to try to stop the further bleeding. God, he must be almost empty by now." She left the room only to return a short moment with a first aid kit. She muttered under her breath while she tore through it to replace the makeshift bandages on his wrists through proper pressure bandages. "God Yohji, you wanted to make sure, ne? Pills and slit wrists. But you didn't expect me to come home early from my shift, ne?" 

Ran felt again for a pulse on Yohji's neck, still nothing. Furiously he continued with his efforts to call Yohji back to life. Pressed down on his chest. Breathed air in his lungs. Again and again. Never had he thought that the first time he would lay hands on Yohji after all this time, it would be to give CPR. Never had he thought to lay hands on Yohji again at all. "Please, don't die on me." He wept now. "Stay with me, please." His tears fell on Yohji's face as he felt again for a pulse on his neck. 

There - fragile - but there was one. "Come on, Yohji. Breathe." Slowly Yohji's chest heaved as he weakly began breathing on his own again. Ran was crouched over him and watched him like a hawk. Tears were running down his face. One hand on Yohji's pulse, the other ran tender over his face his cheek. Ran's voice was hoarse. "Don't die on me. Please. Come on. Wake up, Yotan." 

He intently watched, as slowly Yohji's eyes fluttered open and gradually focused on him. 

"Don't let him drift." The woman had finished with her bandages. "How many of those pills have you taken, boy?" she wiggled with an empty bottle of sleeping pills in front of Yohji's face. "Yesterday it was still full. Let me guess. All of them? At that Yohji heaved weakly one of his corners of the mouth. "Thought so. Nasty boy." 

All the time, Yohji's eyes never left Ran's face. "… Crying?" He furrowed his brows while his eyes slowly slid shut again. 

Ran took him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. "Don't. Open your eyes." He patted him on the cheek. "Please, Yotan. Look at me. Yohji!" 

"Tired." Yohji responded weakly, eyes half lidded. "Let … me go." 

"No." He grabbed Yohji's cold hand and pressed it to his cheek. "Never again. I love you." 

Yohji smiled warily, but it was one of his rare honest, open smiles. Smiles, he spared only for him, once. It took Ran's breath away. How he had missed this, how he longed for him. Again, it hit him what an absolutely fool he had been. All this time, wasted. And now it could be too late. Too late to make amends. He caressed Yohji's cheek. "I love you. Stay with me." 

Yohji dimly whispered. "Love … this dream." Then he sighed faintly, his eyes closed again and his head rolled to the side, hand went slack in Ran's. 

"Yohji! **NO!**"

---------------------------------------

tbc


	6. Ch 6

Chapter 6

-----------------------------------------------------

Hands suddenly tugged at his arms, hauled him aside. He was numb. In a haze, he watched the arrived emergency crew work on Yohji. They gave an injection, shocked him, and finally got him to open his eyes again. They then poured something into his mouth what caused Yohji vomiting violently. Afterwards they set up an IV, an oxygen mask and hauled him up a stretcher. 

Abruptly it was utterly still. He was alone. He looked around. 

He was kneeing on the floor of their old bedroom. Yohji's blood was everywhere. Blood; on the bed mostly and on the floor, too. On the door, it was smeared around the handle and the frame. He had to go to Yohji. God, where had they taken him? He rose to his feet and hurried out of the room, as he was stopped by a voice. 

"Here, first clean yourself up a bit." The woman from earlier stepped out of the bathroom holding on to his arm and a wet towel out to him. "You are Ran." 

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head as he took the offered towel and cleaned hastily his blood smeared hands. "Yes." 

"You have a car here?" She paused as he shook his head. "I can drive you to the hospital. Come." 

On their way out, she picked up a letter and keys from the kitchen table. She locked the door and turned to close and lock up the open door across the hall too. He followed her silently down as she hurried to the street and into her car. 

She reached him the letter before she pulled swiftly into the traffic. "I think, you need to read this." 

Slowly taking the letter, he stared a moment at the folded piece paper. Then he reached up and turned the reading light on while unfolding the letter with the other hand. He recognized Yohji's handwriting instantly. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

_Mariko, _

_I'm truly sorry, that you have to find such a mess. But I'm not sorry, to have done this at last. Finally, I can let go of the past. You know that I was waiting for something and that there only have been two possibilities in the end. I am, at last, free now from my demons. Don't be sad. I'm definitively at ease now. _

_My spirit already died a little, as my first love left me. That day, my last love left me; it took the rest of it and my heart away with it. Although I've been lucky - how many people are graced with two true loves at one life? Many don't even have that once in their lifetime. So, be happy for me. I'm at piece right now, the nagging ignorance is gone. _

_I have at last two favours to ask: Please, will you take care of Neko? I know you will. You are a very good person. I cherished that creature, although it was a mere stand-in. But I don't think he cared about that. I've put enough money for food, goods and medical care in the envelope to last for his lifetime. Second, will you see to it, that the other two letters will be delivered? _

_At last, I will thank you deeply, for all your efforts you took with me the past sixteen months. But I know; you knew from the start that short of one thing, there would be no future for me anymore. It was only a matter of reason. _

_Take care of you and Neko, will you? _

_Yohji _

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Aya's hand, holding the paper, shook. The letter slipped his grip. His whole body trembled. God, what had he done? He had to swallow a few times, before he was able to utter a word. "Will he make it?" 

She sighed. "I don't know. We have to wait and see. It's a short call. He was in shock already. And he's not in the best constitution." She drove swiftly, seemed to know the way well. "But it's good, I had them instructed to bring blood substitute with them. Although, I don't know when it was he took that pills. Maybe, it's too late at all." 

"I left half an hour ago." Ran whispered and ran a shaking hand through his hair. 

"Then they will be able to get most of it out of him. How much depends, it he wrote the letters before or after he took them. There we are." She parked the car in the employee section of the hospital and after they entered the building, she left him standing in the middle of the hall and talked with the receptionist, who made then a short call. 

After returning, she took him by the arm and led him through the hallways into a small empty waiting room. "They still work on him. The doctor will come here afterwards." 

He nodded as he sat down on a chair, head hung low. "You work here." It was a statement, not a question. 

"Yes, I'm a nurse here." She sat down on the edge of a chair beside him. "You are an idiot. When it is true what you said to him earlier, why walking away?" 

He shrugged. "I don't know anymore. At the time, it seemed the right thing to do." He clenched and unclenched his hands in his lap. "Will he survive?" 

"I still don't know. If I hadn't switched unexpectedly the second part of my shift …" She trailed off, got up and walked to the window, looked out. "Maybe it wasn't his time to die, yet. It's a good sign they haven't finished with him so far, there is hope." Coming up in front of him, she put a hand on his shoulder. "If he lives, you have to make this right." 

He slowly nodded, whispering, "Yes. I will. Thank you." 

On her way out, she almost collided with a doctor, stepping in the room. "Ah, Hinada Mariko. You are related to this young man in our care?" 

"No doctor. He's my neighbour. He has no relatives anymore." She cast a quick glance to Ran. "This one is the only one you could call next of kin. So, what news do you bring?" 

Ran had risen and stepped near the two. He was frightened, what news the doctor had to tell. But he had to know. 

"We were able to stabilize the patient, to compensate the blood loss and remove a good portion of this poison off his stomach. It helped much, that you were able to give details on your emergency call. We have done all we can. Although, he is in intensive care now, there is no apparent mortal danger at the moment. Still, his condition is not very good, as to his bad physical shape. He has fallen into a coma. It depends now, how strong his will to life is." 

Ran swayed. All he had heard was 'intensive care' 'bad shape' and 'coma'. This can't be. He had to sit down again. It was entire his fault. Yohji was in a coma. Dear god, why has fate to repeat itself? First Aya, now Yohji. 

He looked up at the doctor. "Can I see him?" 

"I can't see what harm it would do." The doctor shrugged. "Although, we don't know if he will regain consciousness. ICU, Room 214." The doctor sized him up. "You look very pale, young man. Anything you need?" 

"No. Thank you." Ran muttered, shaking his head. He mustered to get up and walk out to the hallway. It took him a moment for orientation, but finally he stood before the announced door. Slowly pushing it open, he bit his lip at the sight in front of him. A very pale Yohji in a white hospital bed, hooked up on tubes and an IV, connected on monitors. He looked so peaceful, like a sleeping angel to Ran. Like his sister once did. But his sister was awake, now. Yohji had to wake up, too. Regardless, if he had to wait for another four years. He grabbed a chair and seated himself beside the bed. 

"I'm so sorry." He captured Yohji's bony hand and hold on, slowly running his thumb across the back of it. "I'm such an idiot. I lied to you, and thought it was all you needed to go on." He laughed bitterly. "All you needed was for me to be honest. And as I told you the truth, it was almost too late. I love you, you know? I will tell you as often, as you want to hear it and never leave you again, I promise. I will stay with you until you send me away for good. But you have to wake up. Please, Yohji." 

He sighed and leaned forward, resting his forehead on his arms, crossed on the sheets. "Please." He whispered now. "I know I don't deserve it. I will do anything you want me to do. But please, please wake up again. I am such a fool." Sitting there, pleading he remained until the door opened and a nurse stepped in, to check on Yohji's condition. 

"You have to go now. This station is not allowed for visitors. You can leave your phone number at the nurses' station. We will notify you, when there is a change in his condition or when he will be transferred." 

He slowly stood and replaced the chair. He must have looked miserable, because the nurse stepped closer and patted him on the arm. "After all, he got a good dose of sedatives. He won't wake up until the effect wears off, even, if his condition were normal. Give it time. Go home, sleep a little." 

Nodding, he left the room, gradually the hospital. Outside, he stopped, looked up at the cloudless nightly sky. Standing in the cold winter night, he watched the twinkling stars and vowed to the heaven, "I will make this right. I promise. Please, give us a last chance." 

--------------------------------------------

tbc


	7. Ch 7

Chapter 7

------------------------------------------------

It was dark and late and cold. Ran huddled in his coat, as he walked aimless trough the streets. His head hung low. He had no idea where to go. No idea, what to do. He felt helpless. He was responsible for Yohji being in a coma. He was responsible for Yohji being miserable for one and a half year. Unintentional he had awful hurt him so greatly. God. 

But he knew one thing. He would make it right, this time. He would not go to America, not anymore. He would stay, as long as Yohji was in poor health. No, he would stay as long, as Yohji would him allow to. That means, when Yohji ever was able to allow something. That means, if Yohji would ever wake up. He shuddered. No. Yohji would wake up. He had to. Yes, he would. And if it takes for ever, he would wait for him. 

Ran looked up and noticed for the first time the colourful Christmas decorations in the windows of the shops he passed, the people walking by in a hurry, carrying big bags. He sighed and stopped walking, watched. They seemed all so happy, content. He slowly turned. He stood in front of a jewellery shop, a sign praising custom made, finest work. On a whim, he entered it to realize an idea, which suddenly popped in his head. 

Looking for, but not finding what he sought, he approached the owner of the shop to explain what he had in mind. After a few short sketches and a while of haggling over it, the man called a price Ran found right. He placed the order, paid the proper amount and the man in the shop assured him, it would be ready for pick up in three days. Satisfied with it, Ran left the shop. For the first time in a long while, he felt a little less unhappy. He had an objective now, an important one. He would not run this time. He would face things, as they presented themselves. Face them, with all their unplanned and unforeseeable surprises. Yes, he would. 

Using the bus, he went to his hotel to pick up his car and his bags and checked out. Then he drove back to Yohji's apartment. He was glad; he hadn't sold his car and instead had decided simply leaving it behind at the airport with the keys inside for someone to find and take it. Somehow, it seemed ironic to him. As if, fate has decided for them. Refusing to let them part for good. For now, if Yohji would stay alive. This time, it would be Yohji deciding their destiny. He sighed and looked up at the apartment building after parking his car. He was back. He reached in his pocket and slipped the plane ticket out. After studying it a moment, he ripped it to tiny pieces. Yes, he definitively was back. 

++++++++++++++++++

It was the sixth day now; he was spending at the hospital, at Yohji's bed. It was the morning of Christmas Eve. And it was awfully familiar. Like all the time, he had spent on Aya-chan's side, long ago. Yohji had been transferred and now occupied a similar room. And like then, the doctors assured Ran that he was now in reasonable bodily condition, that there was no reason, he wouldn't wake up. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. Omi and Ken had been here a few times, concerned, but still a little irate with him. He couldn't blame them. They had every right to be. He remembered the first time; he had called them after he had arrived in Yohji's apartment. 

At first, Omi, who had answered his call, had been cheerful, pleased. That changed, after he had told him in short words of Yohji's attempted suicide. There had been a long, dreadful silence on the other side of the phone. Then Omi bombarded him with worried questions and scolded him about his selfishness, he had been appalled to hear this from someone else than his own guilty inner voice. He was shocked, to have to hear this so bold from Omi, of all people. From Ken, he would have expected this. 

Afterwards, he stood there like petrified, clutching the phone in his hand, until the doorbell rang. He must have stood there at last twenty minutes, unmoving and suddenly they both were there.. After looking at him a moment, Omi hugged him tightly and seated him in the kitchen. Ken, appearing distant, started making tea. They then sat down sipping their tea, and for the first time Ran had opened up, talking really to them at all. It had been a relieving experience for him. And once begun, he seemed not able to stop it. 

They had helped cleaning up the mess in the bedroom, removing all trails of the nearly happened tragedy, if not for the luck of the good neighbour changing shifts. Again it hit Ran, how close he had come loosing Yohji for good, with him sitting on the bench across the street, unsuspecting of Yohji's deadly intentions, being stupidly convinced he had done the right thing in pushing him away, for Yohji to be able to find elsewhere real happiness again, finally. 

He gasped at the dread, suddenly surging though him and opened his eyes, gripping Yohji's hand again, to make sure it was not a cold and lifeless corpse lying in front of him in the hospital bed. He must have drifted off. He slept not much now, mostly drifted off on Yohji's couch a while after tending to the cat, the few hours he spent not at the hospital at all. Suddenly, it was not enough anymore, only holding his hand; to sit here and talk to him, or read aloud from one of his favorite books, or only staring at him, willing him to wake up, soft music playing in the background from one of their preferred CD's, only disturbed by the distinct beeping of the heart monitor. He had a lot time to think over these past days. And the conclusions were not pleasant at all. 

Ran sighed. He had to be near him; nearer as he was now. He had to feel him, to be closer. Determined he careful climbed onto the bed, so that he could lie close beside Yohji, laid his head on Yohji's chest and listening to his steady heartbeat. He snuggled as close as possible and flung his arm around Yohji's waist, gathering him in his arms. Cradling him close after making sure, he didn't disturb the IV line and the monitoring electrodes. God, it felt so good, being near him again. To feel the warmth of the body close to him, after feeling so cold and alone for so long. This was home. Almost. A tiny bit was missing. Yohji to be aware again. He was so tired. He closed his eyes and drifted off. 

Ran woke with a start. Something was different. He remembered climbing in bed to Yohji and falling asleep like he used to do so often in the past. And he had slept unusual well. He had slept, deep and peaceful, as he hadn't slept in a long time. However, something was different. All of a sudden, he noticed the beeping of the monitor had speed up, the chest he rested his head on no longer heaved in a calm and steady, but in an unsteady, abrupt rhythm, and a hand resting on his own. Slowly, he lifted his head, only to look in two all too familiar green orbs, resting incredulous on him. 

He caught his breath. Yohji was awake. Ran's heart suddenly thumbed wildly in his chest up to his throat. God, he was awake. All he could do was staring, sink into this emerald gaze. His throat was tight, closed. Suddenly, he was scared. What, if Yohji rejected him now? Sent him to hell for what he had done? He swallowed hard. Scrambling to his knees on the bedside, he whispered, "Yohji?" 

Yohji replied in a low hoarse voice "You really are here." 

"Yes." Ran gently placed his hand lightly on Yohji's cheek. 

"I dreamt," Yohji murmured and swallowed, "that you had come back. I dreamt you were there." He exhaled slowly. 

"No. … no dream." 

Yohji furrowed his brows, looked up to the ceiling. "So … you actually came back. You forgot something?" 

Ran shifted uncomfortably on his knees. He desperately searched for the right words. It was so very hard. But he had to be honest, if there was the slightest chance for Yohji to forgive him. He cleared his throat. "I couldn't go. I sat in the park and thought about it what a fool I was. Why I hurt all those dear to me. Why I left you the first place. Then I heard an ambulance." 

"I see…" Yohji stared blankly at the white ceiling, as if there was something utterly interesting to see. 

"No." Ran interrupted him. "Let me finish, please." Clenching his hands in his lap, he took a deep breath. "I … I lied to you. No, I didn't lie. But the way I said it, you had to understand it the wrong way. I … I wanted you to understand it the wrong way. I wanted you to be free of me. Because … because I thought you deserve someone better and …" he heard Yohji snort at that and swallowed. "… and I am a coward. I was afraid, you would soon go back to your way of courting and wanting women, and you would in a little while be tired of me. I noticed you becoming uneasy. So I ran." 

Yohji's eyes had narrowed and switched to him at that, but he remained still. 

"I … I know, I can never undo what I did. And … and if you despise me now, you have very right to." He bowed his head, his red bangs covering his eyes. "I'm so very sorry." 

Yohji continued to stare only. Then he asked, voice hoarse: "Why did you come back?" 

"I … I felt uneasy. After I saw you, I realized I had done something terrible idiotic. That you had not moved on, as I thought you would, once you were rid of me. And that you were not well at all. Something was terrible wrong." He worried his lover lip and clenched his hands in his lap. "I wish, I could make it all go away. I'm sorry." 

"I don't need your pity." 

Ran's head shot up at the cold tone in Yohji's voice. "I don't pity you. He stared at Yohji and their gazes locked. "I … I love you." 

He never saw it coming. "You bastard." Yohji's fist connected with his jaw in a blur of a moment. The impact heaved him up and out of the hospital bed to the floor, where he hit his shoulder painful. He instinctive rolled, but he was too stunned to move by this violent reaction on his declaration, so he stayed there on his arms and knees, shoulder hurting and jaw throbbing, blinking wildly. He slowly lifted his gaze and replied hoarse "Yes, I am. But I do love you." 

Yohji had flung his forearm over his eyes. "Get out." 

"Yohji …" 

"GET. OUT." Yohji had raised his voice, just the moment the door opened and a nurse stepped in. She looked confused, for the loud patient; supposedly to be in a coma and the sight of him crouched on the floor. He hurried to his feet and stepped past her through the open door out in the hallway. The door closed behind him. He leaned against the wall, gingerly touching his still throbbing jaw. Yohji sure still had a hell of a punch. 

------------------------------------------------

tbc


	8. Ch 8

Chapter 8

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A familiar voice, invading in the darkness. Pleading, no demanding attention. 

'_Yohji.'_

Wasn't that his name? Warm rain splashing in his face. Rain? 

_'I love you.'_

Bright lights and violet eyes, glittering like wet amethysts in the light. Dreaming. He was dreaming again. 

_'I love you.'_

When would it ever end? The never-ending dream of violet eyes and craved love, never to reach. He was so tired. Tired of all of it. 

_'I love you.'_

Echoes of words spoken. That was new in his dreams. He had to smile. He liked that dream. 

_'I love you.'_

A small, uneasy feeling of doubt invaded suddenly his mind, before darkness claimed him again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A steady tone. Soft music. A deep voice, constant and soothing, sound familiar and loved. A feeling, warm and peaceful. _No, don't stop._

_'I love you.'_

Darkness. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A steady tone. Soft music. A comfortable, warm weight on his shoulder, side and his waist. A nice, well-known scent was invading his nostrils. 

_'I love you.'_

He had dreamed this, hadn't he? He had thought he died and dreamed. But he wasn't dead. He felt. He smelled. He heard. He was alive. Slowly he opened his eyes. Bright daylight blended him, caused him to blink heavily. Turning his head slowly sideward, bright red hair invaded his sight. The pleasant scent intensified. He inhaled deep. Ran. Ran was here with him. He had come back. Unconscious his hand crept up to lie on Ran's, whose arm lay across his waist. Felt the warm skin. Ran was here. Here with him. 

_'I love you.'_

But … Ran had found someone other. He had said so. Hadn't he? An eminent pain shot through him, his chest suddenly felt cramped like by an iron band. His head thumped wildly in his chest, blood pulsed violently in his neck, and his ears rang. Why was he still alive? Suddenly Ran's head had come up. He stared at Yohji, while shifting to his knees on his side. "Yohji?" 

"You really are here." He had trouble to speak through his choking pain and was started, as Ran put his hand gingerly on his cheek. 

"Yes." 

"I dreamt," Yohji murmured and swallowed, "that you had come back. I dreamt you were there." He exhaled slowly. 

"No. … no dream." 

Yohji furrowed his brows, looked up to the ceiling. He had to know. To know, why he still was alive, why Ran still was here. "So … you actually came back. You forgot something?" He was surprised, that he could still sound so calm, despite his turmoil inside. 

He listened to what Ran had to tell him. And the more he talked, the more it sunk in what he said, the more irritated he got. What was it, what Ran told him? Had he put him to all this misery, only because Ran was doubting him, afraid? God. He felt emotional drained. Cold fury boiled up in his gut, mixed with the sense of betrayal and frantic pain. "You bastard." His fist connected with Ran's jaw and sent him almost in a somersault to the floor. Expecting confrontation, he was stunned that Ran instead stayed on his hands and knees on the floor, head hanging, defeated. He watched Ran slowly heaving his head, and was taken aback by the openly displayed, desperate expression on his face. Covering his eyes with his forearm he hid the tears, threatening to spill out of them. Again. He never had cried this much before Ran had left him. Especially never in company. But now the tears came so easily. 

"Yes, I am. But I do love you." 

"Get out." He had to think. He had to be alone. He had to sort this mess out. 

"Yohji…" 

"GET. OUT." He yelled, just as the door opened and a nurse stepped in. She looked with big eyes from one to the other, and before she was able to say something, Ran had slipped behind her out of the door. A new pang of pain shot through him. What, if Ran doesn't come back this time? He leaned back and closed his eyes. Ignoring the nurse, removing the IV and electrodes, he began thinking in earnest. 

So, Ran had been unsure about Yohji's feelings for him, like he had been unsure about Ran's feelings. But Ran had never told him what he felt, while he had done so. Often. Vague he remembered a fight they had one time, long ago, and Ran's remark _'The words of a playboy like you are unreliable.'_ Seemed that Yohji had been caught in his own disguise of carelessness and playfulness; the mask Ran knew for so long as Yohji's real face. Unable to show him his true self; especially when he told him his love. _'I noted you become uneasy.'_ Ran had been right. He had become uneasy. But not about the reason Ran had thought. He had become uneasy, because Ran had never told him if he loved him. He had begun fearing Ran could never really love him, stayed only out of obligation. Feared, he had again fallen in a trap, a trap by his own emotions, craving love, driven by the need to be kept. He had begun to fear he had fruitless fallen deeply in love again. 

But now he began to wonder, if he also was deceived by a disguise, a mask Ran wore. He recalled events, Ran watching him carefully and thoughtful when he thought he didn't notice. Ran doing little things, like bringing him cigarettes from grocery shopping, despite Ran hated the smell of smoke in the apartment, short before he self noticed he had almost run out of them. Or, presenting fresh coffee in the morning, although Ran only drank tea. Of Ran covering him with a blanket when he had fallen asleep on the couch, while Ran was reading. And other little things. 

They had begun their 'relationship' nearly at the end of their cramped adventure in the van. One of these days, Yohji meanwhile felt extremely uneasy, unhappy, dejected and tried to cover this by almost daily bar hopping events, Ran had picked him up from a bar. It was almost dawn and Yohji was miserable and extremely drunk, dancing by himself in midst of the rapidly thinning crowd to the beat of the hammering music. Suddenly Ran was there. He had slung his arms around Yohji's waist, trying despite the struggling to get him out. However, suddenly the music had slowed down and somehow they were leisurely dancing together. And Yohji had felt content for the first moment in a very long time. Felt safe, with the strong arms around him. He had leaned his forehead against Ran's while dancing, and out of the blue they were kissing. A slow careful exploring kiss at first, a lightly nipping, a pressing of lips against the other, rapidly extending to a deep openmouthed kiss, tongues battling and exploring. And it had felt right. 

They were finally stumbling out of the bar into a small alley, not quiet hidden by the slowly approaching daylight, wildly kissing and fumbling, and Yohji felt unbelievable horny and wild with lust. He had Ran pressed against a wall, their hands groping with the flies of their trousers, and suddenly he had Ran's erect and hard cock in his hand and begun stroking him. He moaned in Ran's mouth, as he felt at the same time a tight grip around his own jerking erection, and the sensation of firm strokes. God, how good that had felt. It took not long at all, until he felt the sensation of the tingling in his groin, the first sign of his approaching climax, the gathering of pressure in his balls, their heaving against his torso. He broke the kiss as he felt suddenly the hand on his shoulder tighten in a bruising grip, Ran's body stiffen, and watched enraptured the arching of his spine, head tilt back against the wall. Watched violet eyes, wide open and unfocussed, darkened by dilated pupils and felt the slight pulsing in his hand as Ran soundless and shuddering came all over Yohji's hand and shirt. He was so beautiful in that moment of bliss. All of a sudden, his own vision went white and he groaned deeply, as he self spurted his semen in a powerful climax between their bodies, mixing it with Ran's. His body jerked against Ran's as he came and came, aftershocks almost as potent. There seemed to be no end. He rolled side wards off Ran, leaning himself against the wall and slowly slid down on it, heavy panting. "Oh," was all he could muster to say, and "wow." 

He must have passed out then or so; all he could remember afterwards was being woken by his alarm clock, remembering him of his afternoon shift, on his cot in the van with one of his, meanwhile familiar and usual, headaches and the bad taste of a lot of consumed alcohol in his mouth. Ran must have dragged him home. However, he was sure that this nightly - or early morning - encounter was not only an alcohol-indulged fantasy. The evidence of a set of blue finger marks on his shoulder and the stiff remains of smeared and dried semen on his clothes proved it. The passionate encounter was burned deep in his mind despite his earlier drunken state. Somehow, during the night, it had occurred to him that this was what he sought, no, needed. Suddenly it was all crystal clear. Unconscious he had sought Ran's company all the time he had known him. He remembered the empty, lost feeling he had after they disbanded. All the small occasions popped in his mind, him watching Ran constantly, noting and reacting to almost all of his small habits, ever knowing his state of mind by the set of his brows when he frowned to himself, or the set of his mouth, by his posture. Or him teasing Ran mercilessly, more than he ought to do; or looming on the couch and watching TV while Ran nearby read one of his books, the mostly fruitless attempts of conversations, even the stifling of his urge to go for a smoke when he was so comfortable around Ran. And all the small pangs of disappointment, the dejected feelings when he got only a glare in return. Or a brush off. Or no reaction at all. Somehow, he had fallen in love with Ran. And he didn't know what to do about it. 

Smiling wistfully at the memory he leaned back in his pillow. 

He had not seen Ran all day after this little occurrence, not once. But suddenly in the evening, Yohji was sprawled on the grass outside the van, musing and smoking from his third pack that day, Ran had stood beside him. Posture stiff, and without knowing if Yohji even remembered, he had apologized seriously for him losing control in an unforgivable manner, for thoughtless taking advantage of a situation. And as he asked firmly if there was anything, he could additional do to restore Yohji's honor, despite him leaving the team in shame, all Yohji could do was stare back. Speechless. He had then motioned to Ran to sit down, who hesitantly had finally done so. Reluctant. Stiff. Embarrassed. Face blank and lips pressed in a tight line. Clearly expecting to be on trial. It took Yohji a long time, to convince Ran, that he wanted him to stay, that there was no reason at all for him to leave. That there was nothing at all to apologize for, that he wasn't nearly that drunk the night before to not having actively participated, and that he had known all the time what they did. And that he had wanted it, too. And finally, that he had no objections at all, when they did it again, sometimes, and more. 

Ran was clearly astonished at that last declaration, unbelieving he had stared at Yohji. Who had done his best, to appear composed and calm, despite his inner turmoil. He had just proposed to Ran. God. He couldn't believe it himself. But Ran had only looked thoughtful and after a while nodded once. "Thank you," was all, he said before he got up and disappeared. And afterwards everything was back to normal. Ran was back to being Ran. Yohji was back to watching. Nothing happened between them, although Yohji tried to be good and stayed a full week away from his nightly habits. After that uneventful week, again sleepless and lonely tossing and turning on his cot, he decided that what had happened between them was only a one-night stand for Ran. He got up and slipped into his jeans, deciding to take a smoke. Tomorrow evening he would go out again, slipping in the space of alcohol indulged dumbness. He sat there, leaned against a tree, cigarette long gone and stared up to the dark sky with its sparkling stars. Suddenly Ran was there, clad only in his pants, as if he was. Wordless sitting down beside Yohji it took him a long while, before he asked if that, what Yohji said the other day, was meant so. And as Yohji answered, that no, of course not, because he proposed to his team-mates every other day or so, he got up to his knees and kissed him. And Yohji slid his arms around him and kissed him back, for all he was worth. It took not long at all, they were rolling around on the grass, kissing, fondling, humping against each other, and Yohji discovered that Ran quite nicely responded, especially when he turned the attention to his nipples. Like they were hotwired to his cock. 

Although they got each other off that night, it took them a few more encounters until they got to the 'real thing'. Ran had him squirming and writhing on the couch as he suddenly whispered in Yohji's ear, "I want to fuck you." Abruptly sobered, Yohji reluctantly confessed that he had never done so before with a man, and Ran had smiled. It was the first time Yohji had seen him really smile. A happy smile, lighting up Ran's face, leaving his features soft, and it took Yohji's breath away. He would have fallen all in love again with Ran, if he not had already loved him. God, he was so beautiful. As he finally agreed, Ran got up and disappeared, only to return shortly later with a bottle of hand lotion. And then it started in earnest between them. All Yohji could recall later was that Ran drove him crazy while preparing him, the feeling of finally being owned and filled, and it was so good. The sensations of his approaching orgasm not only triggered by the outside but also by the inside took him to his very limit. And as he got finally over the bridge with a hoarse shout, body jerking wildly even during his aftershocks, until he was only a trembling, panting mass, totally spent and with such a satisfied feeling, he could not recall he ever had in his life before. 

Afterwards, as their journey and the mission were finished, he had asked Ran, if he would like to move in together, and he was joyful surprised, when he only answered with 'Okay.' 

A voice interrupted his musings. He was astonished that he hadn't noticed a doctor entering his room and asking him questions. "Excuse me?" 

The doctor furrowed his brow. "I asked, if you could tell me your name." 

"Kudoh Yohji." 

A few more silly questions were asked and answers were given, he was poked and examined, then the doctor finally was satisfied and left him alone. Finally, Yohji asked when he would be released. 

"It is not common practice," the doctor answered, "but in your case we have order from higher places to release you, if asked. Normally suicide attempt patients are observed in psychically care a while. You are free to leave." 

The doctor had not quite finished his speech; as Yohji already had swung his sheet aside and his legs out of the bed. Sitting upright, he became slightly dizzy. 

"Stop, not so fast. Your blood pressure is unusually low after a week lying down." The nurse had stepped beside him, and put a steadying hand on his elbow. 

"A week?" 

"You had fallen in a coma; your body was in shock already from blood loss, when the emergency crew arrived at your house. Fortunately, Mariko asked for blood substitute on her emergency call. Otherwise, you would have been dead on arriving here. 

Yohji nodded. "I think, I have to thank her properly then." 

"Yes, I think so." The nurse nodded, too. "She stayed here with you a few times, too. Beside of the young man, who cowers now in the hallway outside, nursing his jaw with an icepack." She chuckled at that. "He was here almost all the time, refusing to go when asked to. He can be really scary, can he?" 

He had to grin at that. "Yes, he can." Relieved to hear Ran was still here, he asked, "can you please send him in on your way out?" He had to make a decision. 

-------------------------------------------------

tbc


	9. Ch 9

Chapter 9

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Yohji waited until the nurse had left the room, before he sighed heavily. This conversation had almost used up all his strength to pretend. He slowly got up and grabbed his boxers from the pile of his clothes, lying neatly on a stool. Ran had brought clothes. He stepped into them, astonished how unusual apparent optimistic Ran had been for him to wake up again. But, so had he been with his sister, too. He was just slipping off the hospital shirt over his head as the door opened and then closed again. Hesitating a moment before he continued in his task of getting dressed, outwardly calm and composed, his heard rate had speed up, despite the numb state he was in since he had punched Ran. He didn't dare to look, yet. _Coward_. And he needed a smoke. Sitting down on the bed again after he had buttoned his shirt and jeans, he slipped in his socks and shoes. The silence between them stretched unbearably. Taking a deep breath, he turned his head and stared straight at his visitor, who had caused him so much pain. Ran leaned against the wall beside the door, hands behind his back, face blank of any expression, only his lips tightly pressed in a tight line. Watching him. A bruise was already slightly visible forming on his jaw, due to his pale skin, Yohji faintly mused before he muttered "I want to go home." 

Ran nodded, stepped forward and began collecting the things he had brought here, stuffing them into a backpack, while Yohji silently watched. Ran moved with a composed grace around the room, Yohji easily recognized. He found himself wanting to forget everything that hurt and just wanting to **_be_** there with the irritable, picky, and overtly stubborn man. But his faith was shattered. And he wasn't strong enough anymore, to put on his carefree and false mask. To chatter and pretend everything was fine. And he wasn't sure, if he was able to forgive, to get over this. So he only moved, when Ran had packed everything away and opened the door, clearly waiting for him to come. Silently he followed him down the hallway, the stairs, to his car. Settled down in the passenger seat, and stared out of the side window, while Ran put his backpack in the trunk. Numbly he noticed Ran getting in, too and hesitating. 

"Yohji …" 

"Don't. Not now. Please." He slowly shook his head. "Not now." 

"Okay." Ran started the engine and swiftly merged into the traffic. They headed towards home, while Yohji watched the people, unconscious fiddling with the bandages on his wrists, and noticed the colourful decorations in the windows of the shops, flowing by. 

"What day is it?" He noticed on the corner of his vision Ran cast shortly a glance towards him. 

"Christmas Eve." 

"Oh." 

They fell silent again, until Ran parked the car in front of the apartment building. Watching Ran getting out, he sighed again and stepped out of the car, standing in front of the house, waiting. He had no keys. Blinking, as suddenly a hand, holding his keys came into his vision he pointed his chin towards the door, mentioning Ran to go ahead and trailed him up to the apartment. Neko came running as he stepped in and he hunched down, cradling the mewing cat in his arms, before he got up again. 

"You want something to eat, or tea?" Ran inquired, discarding the backpack and his coat in the corridor. 

"Tea." He followed to the kitchen, and sat down on the table, while Ran set the kettle on the stove and rummaged in the fridge. He noticed, it was well stocked, vegetables and fruits, fish, meat, all things he doesn't usually bothered with. His stomach rumbled. 

Ran turned his head and cast a glance over his shoulder. "I can make something. You need to eat." 

He shrugged. "You stayed here?" 

"I …" Ran chewed on his lower lip. "Yes, I took care of the cat and I slept on the couch." 

"Okay." Yohji turned his attention to the cat and ignored the sounds of Ran preparing something to eat, only looked up as Ran placed a mug and a plate with sandwiches in front of him. "I'm sorry, I hit you." 

"Don't be." Ran sat down opposite him with his mug, and Yohji suddenly was hit with the memory of a similar situation, of only yesterday for him. He gasped and all of a sudden felt nauseous. Clenching his eyes shut he dropped his head, let go of the cat and took a few deep breaths to calm down. 

"Yohji?"Ran suddenly startled him as he stood beside him, a hand on his shoulder. "You ok?" 

"No." He shook his head. "No I'm fucking not okay. I'm angry and sad and I'm exhausted and hurt and I'm afraid. God, I'm terrified I can't forgive, and have you walked out on me again." Blinking hastily, he tried to hold back the damned tears, threatening to fall. 

Ran crouched down beside him, the hand on Yohji's shoulder trailing down to his forearm, raising goose bumps on Yohji's skin. "I won't. Do you want me to stay?" His voice sounded unusual softly. "Because I want to stay. I won't leave you ever again out of free will, except you want me to. I swear." 

"You swear." It was a statement, no question. "I don't want you to, out of obligation." Yohji shook his still bent head. "Or out of pity. Never." 

"I won't." Ran's voice sounded hoarse. "Please, I want to stay with you. Let me?" 

Yohji turned his head and was amazed to see a tear running down Ran's face. Ran's face stripped off his emotionless mask, open and full of passion. He recalled a vague memory of warm rain, glittering violet eyes. He reached out and cupped Ran's cheek in one hand, thumb slowly wiping away the wet trail. "You cried, that night. I've never seen you cry before." He took a deep shuddering breath. "Hold me, please." Tugging at Ran's hand, he drew him up and slung his arms around his waist, pressing his face in Ran's chest. "Just hold me." 

They stayed like that a long while, Ran's arms around him, stroking slowly over his back, face bent down in his hair and he felt the numb state he was in slowly fade and it was replaced with contentment, peace. "I love you. Stay with me." He murmured in Ran's chest. 

"I will," the muffled reply came from above. 

Suddenly feeling light-headed, he shifted on his chair and tugged Ran down, so that he straddled his legs. He tilted his head and their lips touched in a kiss, the first in a long time. A slow, careful tentative touch at first, a nibbling and caressing, slowly growing in intensity, until their lips were pressed against each other, hard and demanding, tongues battling and stroking. They broke, hard breathing, foreheads pressed together. "I missed you so much." 

"So did I." Ran leaned back a bit, smiling slightly. 

Yohji's head was spinning in amazement. Not only had Ran spoken in more than two syllables at a time he had clearly awaited an _'hn_'; he also had shown an open, emotional face, he had begged, he had cried, and now he smiled, too. He caressed Ran's face with his fingertips who leaned in the touch, closing his eyes. "You have changed." 

"Yes, I suppose, I have." Ran opened his eyes and earnestly looked at him. "Danger of loosing someone you love for good sometimes does that to you." 

Yohji grinned sheepishly. "Sorry." Then a though occurred to him. "Damn, I have missed Ken's birthday. And I have no Christmas present for you." He gently showed Ran from his lap and got up. "I have to …" Suddenly the world was spinning around him. He took two staggering steps to the door and clutched the frame "Oh, that is not so good. I'm …" And then the world around him disappeared.

++++++++++++

He came to, feeling warm and a squashy mattress below him, his head nestled in a soft pillow. His bed. Cracking an eye open, he noticed bright daylight flooding the room. There was a faint tinkle. 

"How do you feel? You had me worried here. You passed out." 

_Mariko_. _Had he dreamed all this? It seamed so real. God. No Ran. He hadn't come back. No reunion._

A wave of fresh pain rolled over him, choked him. He groaned. "I'm fine." His voice sounded hoarse. "What you're doing here?" 

"Looking after you, of course." She placed a tray on his bandstand. "Here, eat. And no fooling around, today. Your body is so scrawny. Sometimes I think I find a smoking skeleton coming in here." She grinned. "Come on. Your friends called. They will be over in an hour." 

He shut his eyes tightly and groaned again. "I'm not in the mood for them." He wanted to be alone, walling in his misery. He desperately wanted the dream back. He felt nauseous. 

She tsked. "Don't let the food go cold. I'm gone now. Behave, you two." 

He opened his eyes again and noticed now, that the cat was not in his bed, as usual. "Where's Neko?" 

"Kitchen."She winked. "Give a shout, when you need something, okay?" 

"Hn." He stared at the ceiling of his room, vision blurry. As he heard the door shut, he couldn't longer hold the tears back. _Alone_. A sob broke free. He rolled over and pressed his face in the pillow, sobbing, the now freely streaming tears soaking the fabric. His body shook helplessly. He just couldn't bear it anymore.

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tbc


	10. Ch 10 End

Chapter 10

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Ran sat in the kitchen and finished the last bit of his tea. He sighed and then smiled warily to himself. 

He had been so terrified, that Yohji would send him away without further notice as he stood in the hallway of the hospital beside the door to Yohji's room, pressing the ice pack against his throbbing jaw. A nurse had seen him probing on it, maybe an already forming bruise on his pale skin and had hurried to press it in his hand with an assuring smile. Standing there, he had been determined not to give up on them after he was so lovely asked to leave the room. And he would stay here in case Yohji tried to slip away. 

A doctor hurried in the room, and after a while came out again, informing him sourly, that Yohji was free to leave if he might, although it was plain visible on his face that he had another opinion. So Ran waited for the nurse to leave, too and then he would go in again and … he wasn't sure what for, but he would go in. And his time he wouldn't be brushed off. He just hoped Yohji wasn't in a violent mood anymore. Not that he wouldn't deserve it. He thought of the bits of information he got from Mariko, a nurse here and a neighbour of Yohji, during this week. Although he had a rough estimate about Yohji's life over the last one and a half year, he was astonished to hear her opinion of an outsider about Yohji. She painted a mental picture, what reminded him of himself. She spoke about a friendly and earnest, sad man, seldom joking, meagre with words, and with short to no human contact. As he tried to doubt her words, and told her that Yohji used to be a careless and easygoing playboy, who couldn't let anything go by wearing a skirt and processing any beauty without chase, she was suddenly very still. She assured him, that from her first meeting on with Yohji, she never had seen him with, or heard from any girl. On the contrary, she doubted his words very much and told him plain into his face that he knew Yohji not at all. It hurt. Because meanwhile he doubted it himself. And that hurt so much more. 

The nurse had stepped out of Yohji's room and smiled at him. "He asked me to let you know to come in again. Should I inform the ER?" She grinned now openly. "He's desperate to leave. Plain visible. You have to take better care of him. This wouldn't have been so bad, if he had a better constitution. He clearly is undernourished. And he should go to bed after you get home and fed him." 

"I will." He nodded and reached the ice pack to her. "Tank you, I don't need it anymore." 

She took it and nodded. "Take care." Then she went away. 

Laying a hand on the doorknob he exhaled heavily before he slipped in the room again. And stopped short in shock. Yohji stood there in the nude, except for his boxers, forearms and head hidden in the hospital grown and he was so scrawny. Ran hadn't known a human being could still be up and around in this state. He had to lean against the wall to keep steady and upright, guilt ridden, and held his suddenly shaking hands in tight fists behind his back. He couldn't utter a word. He stood there and was glad Yohji choose to ignore him long enough to regain his composure. And then he began to get nervous about the silence. He almost jumped, as Yohji uttered his wish to get home. Later, in the car he was quieted, when he tried to speak to him. *He* was told not to speak. From *Yohji*. His hope sank. What, if Yohji doesn't want have to do anything with him anymore? 

He was almost desperate, they had to talk. But later, in the kitchen, as he sat down at the table, Yohji had become so pale suddenly. And Ran had been scared. He had hurried to his side, ready to face … whatever. He had to face a burst of sadness, sadness he self tried to overcome. And he was out of his mind. All he understood, was he had to convince Yohji. Convince him, that he won't ever let him behind again. Never again. And he begged. And he cried. And suddenly he had his arms around Yohji, and Yohji his arms around him, and it felt so good, so right. And the tight iron band around his chest suddenly wasn't there anymore. And then Yohji had tugged him down onto his lap and they had kissed. How they had kissed. 

Ran smiled again at the memory and touched his lips. 

He had stood then, gently been showed aside, and Yohji wanted to do something, but suddenly he had swayed and clutched the doorframe, and then slowly went down out cold like in quick motion. He had been horrified. Heart wildly beating, he had caught him just before Yohji crashed to the floor and picked him up in his arms, noting what a terrible little weight Yohji was. After checking the pulse he had carried him to bed, and stripped him to his underwear, tucking him in. 

He had trailed his fingers over the clearly outstanding bones, silently vowing to himself, to get him up and well again. Then he sat half the night on the bedside, waiting for Yohji to come to again. But he wasn't. And Ran had become more and more anxious. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he had woken the friendly neighbor nurse. She came over and checked on Yohji, and she was sure, he only slept. She patted him on the back, and told him to rest and that she would check for Yohji again before she went to work. As if he could rest. He stayed awake all night and the most of the morning, despite the assurance of the nurse, afraid, that Yohji had slipped back into a coma.

Suddenly she was there again and shooed him out of Yohji's room into the kitchen to a bowl of streaming miso soup and rice, a pot of tea and a munching cat. All of a sudden he noticed how hungry he was and attacked the meal with gusto, while she readied a tray for Yohji. She disappeared into the bedroom; intend to wake him up while Ran finished his food. She returned a while later, happily grinning, and Ran felt the nervousness fell away from him. She assured him that Yohji was awake and his usual self, and slipped out of the door for work. 

Ran put the mug into the sink and stepped out into the corridor, eager to get to Yohji. But halfway in the corridor he unexpectedly heard sobbing sounds, muffled through the closed door. He stood, hand on the knob and listened. Yohji sobbed, terrible wrenchingly. Alarmed and confused he slid into the room and found Yohji, head buried in his pillow, his body shaking wildly with his sobs. Biting his lower lip, he careful stepped closer, reaching out to him and gingerly touched Yohji's shoulder. 

Yohji startled violently. "Go away, Mariko," he blurted out into his pillow, body going tense. 

"She has left already." Ran sat down on the edge of the bed, gripping Yohji's shoulder. "What is it? Yohji, please, I'm worried." 

It took a moment, and then Yohji's body went slack. He lifted his head and stared at the headboard of the bed before he rolled onto his side, catching Ran's hand at the wrist, staring at him with wild, red-rimmed eyes. "You really are here? This isn't again one of these dreams?" He croaked out. All the while, his thumb caressed Ran's wrist, not letting go. 

"I'm here, Yohji. I'm not going anywhere." He bent over and pressed his lips on Yohji's, before he leaned his forehead on his shoulder. He felt Yohji's whole body trembling and whispered again, "I'm sorry. I'm not going anywhere, baka." Shifting he climbed on the bed and settled against the headboard, tugging Yohji up against him between his outstretched legs, so that his back rested on his chest. Wrapping his arms around him, he pressed a kiss on the neck in front of him. Yohji's hands instantly came up, covered around his own. 

After a while, he felt the trembling subside and heard Yohji exhaling heavily. "I thought it was all a dream." The hands on his own tightened. "I woke up and … there was Mariko. Like … like so often before. She … motioned I passed out and that … that she takes care of me. God. I thought I had dreamed." 

"No, no dream. I was worried. I asked her to take a look, and she came over bringing food just now." He unbelieving shook his head. "Does she often?" 

"Yeah.She's nice." Yohji wormed a little closer. "One day she got a key from me and since then she comes and goes as she likes. Not that I complained. Her food is good." 

"Hmm." This reminded Ran on the tray, standing on the nightstand. He reached up and took it, balanced it in Yohji's lap. "Eat." He watched as Yohji hesitated, then took up the bowl and the chopsticks, slowly eating. He felt a lump in his belly as suddenly he remembered again, how close he had been to loosing him. Permanently. He wouldn't hide anymore. Never. Waiting till Yohji had finished his soup, mostly of the rice and pushed the tray aside, he leaned his cheek against Yohji's hair and whispered, "I love you." 

A shudder ran through Yohji's body, and he tilted his head back against Ran's shoulder. "You never said so before." They stayed like that a long while, until Yohji whispered, "I'm still not sure, if I'm dreaming or awake. But if it's a dream, I never want to wake up again." 

"This is no dream, Yohji. If it were, we both would dream the same dream. That's impossible." 

"So would say a dream-Ran." 

He snorted. "What can I do to convince you?" 

"Make love to me." 

"And your dream-Ran wouldn't?" 

"No." Yohji suddenly went very still. "He left me every time before …" 

"… every time?" 

"... hundreds of times." 

"… I'm sorry." 

Yohji shook his head slowly stroking Ran's forearms with his fingertips. "Don't be. Just don't walk away again." 

"Hmmm." He suddenly felt very tired, now that the strain of worry was gone. Sitting like that on the bed, back comfortable against the padded headboard, and content with Yohji in his arms, nestled between his legs, his warm back against his chest. He must have dozed off, because he woke to the sound of the doorbell. Blinking it took him a few moments to orientate, but then he remembered that Omi and Ken had called earlier and said they come over. He shifted to get up. 

"Don't." Yohji gripped his arms. "They will understand." 

"Yohji!" He growled. "You know that they will kill me, if they don't can see you? They were worried, too. They need to see for themselves you are up again." 

"Okay." Yohji shifted and swung his legs out of the bed. "Then I will open the door and tell them to go away and that we stop over later. Don't you dare move from here. I still need to be convinced." And before Ran could protest he had slipped in his Yukata and was out of the room. He smiled. This was a glimpse of the old Yohji. Muffled voices came through the closed door, he could identify the voices but no words. He shrugged out of his t-shirt and got up, shuffling through the drawers in search of lube or something what would qualifies as. And came up empty. Oh well. Hesitating a moment, he then discarded the rest of his clothes and climbed back onto the bed. It smelled of Yohji. He closed his eyes, enjoying the scent. 

Suddenly Yohji was there again. He was crawling up the bed towards him, still wearing his Yukata, a glimmer in his eyes. "There I wanted to unwrap my Christmas present and someone else did it already." Pausing above Ran on all fours, he leaned in and they kissed passionately. "I think I have to settle for this one, then. It's from Ken." He held up a small, neatly wrapped gift before he rolled onto his side, popped up on one elbow and turned it a few times curiously before shredding the wrapping. "Oh this little shit." Giggling, he showed Ran the small bottle of lube. "It sure comes handy." 

Smiling softly, Ran reached out, cupped Yohji's head in one hand and pulled him down to him. "Yes. It does." He murmured, before they engaged in a further deep kiss. As they broke apart, he reached up with his other hand and tucked back a strand of the hair that was falling in Yohji's face. Caressing Yohji's lower lip with is thumb; he stared in the emerald green eyes and felt an overwhelming contentment, just being able to touch the person again, he wanted to spend with the rest of his life. Tugging on the belt of the Yukata he opened the knot and slid his hands in and up Yohji's skinny chest and over his shoulders, brushing the cloth off. He noticed with satisfaction the deep groan triggered at this slight contact and the related reaction it caused deep in his own groin. 

"Boxers off." Watching Yohji wriggle out of them before he tugged Yohji completely down on top of him, he moaned at the contact of skin against skin, the feeling of the stiff erection against his hip, matching his own excitement. He trailed his lips over Yohji's face, his jaw, his chin and latched them finally on his neck, wildly sucking, leaving his mark. All the while Yohji's hand roamed up and down his sides, hips slowly grinding against him, trembling. He rolled them over and traveled down Yohji's chest, showering it with kisses, caressing him with his hands, licking and nipping on his nipples until his back arched and slow, mewing sounds came out of his throat. 

Ran felt his own arousal grow steadily, his heard thumping wildly in his chest at the sounds Yohji made. Reaching down he gently cupped Yohji's cock in his fist and further began slowly stroking him until he was trembling and trashing under him, content with making him feel as cherished and loved as possible, while Yohji touched him in return in all the right places, making his blood pounding in his ears. He stopped as Yohji's hips began wildly thrusting into his fist, getting a whimpered protest. He then leaned up and captured his mouth again, crouched on all fours above him while he fumbled with a shaking hand with cap of the lube. He sat back straddling Yohji while coating his cock with the cool slippery gel, who bucked then and expressed a sharp surprised cry.

Smiling assuring at the stunned expression on Yohji's face and the wide astonished eyes at the unexpected event, he gripped the stiff organ at the root and slightly shifting to the correct position lowered himself slowly with closed eyes. He stopped short at the sharp twinge and unfamiliar feeling of penetration, before he forced himself to relax more, and choked back a groan as he then pressed down in one slow motion and stopped only, when he had all of Yohji inside. Opening his eyes, panting, and noticed that Yohji had his hands forcefully clamped in the sheets, his head thrown back and tears streaming down his temples from his tightly closed eyes. 

"Yohji?" 

"Don't move. God. Ran, don't move." He got the choked response. 

He stayed still, until Yohji reached up, gripped his hips and slowly began to move beneath him. Only then, he began to move as well. He cried out as Yohji changed the angle slightly and hit an overtly sensitive point deep inside him, over and over again, driving him wild. They at first established slow deep thrusts, growing more and more frantic, bodies glittering with sweat, and then Yohji gripped his cock and pumped with matching strokes, whispering his name over and over again between harsh breaths. Panting hard, the blood pondering in his ears, he thought he could take no more and still it built and built endlessly. 

He finally felt the tingling deep in his gut, signaling his imminent climax, the drawing up of his balls against his body and he exploded with a shout, spurting his semen over Yohji's hand and belly in long white streams. He jerked violently over and over and there seemed to be no end, and Yohji arched up beneath him and cried out his name and he felt the hot rush of semen inside him, and Yohji bucking and trashing wildly. Collapsing on top of him, still twitching with the aftershocks of this mind-blowing orgasm, he nuzzled his neck, breathing hard and waited for his madly beating heart to slow down again. He sighed contently as Yohji's arms closed around him, pressing a kiss on his temple. He felt like he could stay like that forever. 

Rolling over, he felt Yohji's softening cock slid out of him and Yohji wincing at the friction. He crept over to the edge of the bed and angled for his pants and the small, wrapped box hidden in it. Satisfied he came up with it and crawled back, snuggling against Yohji with his head on his shoulder. "I have a present for you, as well." 

"Oh." Carefully Yohji reached up to pick the small box from his outstretched palm. "What is it?" 

"Open it." 

He watched, as Yohji careful unwrapped the box and slowly opened the lid and swallowed as he saw the contents. "Oh." He swallowed again. "It's beautiful." Gingerly he fished the piece of jewelry out of the box and tangled it in front on his eyes. On first sight, it was a golden chain with a platinum cross and two gems embedded in the middle of it, an amethyst and an emerald, but on closer inspection, it turned out to be a miniature katana, embraced by an exquisite gold wire in several tight and looser loops, holding the gems in place. Fingering it carefully he choked out, "God, Ran. …" 

"Shhh." He laid a finger on Yohji's lips, pressed a kiss on his shoulder, and further shifted onto his side, while Yohji grabbed the sheets and covered them. Sliding his leg on Yohji's thigh and an arm around his chest he wriggled closer, finally blissful tired. "We'll need to fat you up. I'll get bruises lying on your bones." 

He rather felt than heard Yohji chuckle. "Yes, mom." Yohji's arm around his shoulder tightened. "We can start this evening. Omi and Ken treat us to dinner. At eight at the Koneko." 

"Hmm." A wide yawn stretched his face. "What time is it?" 

"One forty." 

"Okay. Sleep now." 

Yohji chuckled again. "I'm wide awake. I've had more than enough sleep." 

"Hmm. I'm not." He yawned again. "Then just hold me while I sleep." 

"Okay." Yohji pressed a kiss on the top of his head. "Sleep. I'll wake you in a few hours." 

" … " 

"Ran?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I love you." 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

End

Thank you for reading.

CD


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